Yelling is not an inherently bad thing. Most of us, at one time or another, will have found ourselves amongst screaming fans at a music concert, cheering supporters at a sports game, or at some other exciting event where yelling at the top of our lungs conveys excitement.

Similarly, suppose you are like me and enjoy the outdoors. In that case, you may have found yourself alone in the wilderness, experiencing the irresistible urge to direct a deep, guttural scream toward the universe. These are normal and healthy ways to yell with others or oneself.

And let’s not forget, too, that sometimes yelling has the potential to save others from harm. Imagine a young child about to step off a sidewalk into oncoming traffic, or you see smoke bellowing from a neighbour’s basement. A loud and urgent scream can literally mean the difference between life and death.

But what happens when our spouse or romantic partner yells at us?

I often meet guys coming into counselling who ask me if this is normal. In any relationship, and the longer and more comfortable we become in those relationships, the more likely we’ll experience an argument or disagreement. Voices may be raised (yelling), followed by remorse and repair. However, yelling becomes harmful and destructive when it becomes habitual in the relationship.

Yelling is an effective, yet maladaptive tool to gain a temporary sense of control over a situation or person. There are several worrying psychological and physical effects of frequent yelling in a relationship, including:

• Low mood
• Becoming withdrawn
• Reeling like walking on eggshells
• Fearfulness
• Low self-esteem
• Hypervigilance
• Chronic stress ^[1,2]

At its worst, yelling can be a form of intimate partner violence.

Why does my partner yell at me, and what can I do about it?

To begin with, it is crucial to understand you are not to blame.  Feeling intimidated, scared, upset, or angry is normal if someone yells at you, especially repeatedly.

Create some distance between yourself and the situation

Being yelled at is never a pleasant experience, and the first step toward conversing with a partner around their yelling is to remain calm and create some distance between yourself and the situation.

I call this the Gap of Freedom because, in doing so, we give ourselves space to collect our thoughts and choose the best way to respond to the circumstances, rather than making the situation worse by challenging them or reacting in ways that might escalate the situation.

Start a conversation about their behaviour

Next, providing it feels safe to do so, and you feel ready, initiate a conversation about their behaviour and establish healthy boundaries. Let them know how their yelling makes you feel. Did you feel overwhelmed, frightened, or confused as it was happening?

Be truthful and include aspects of their behaviour you noticed when things got out of hand. For example, if your partner yells at you in public, you could tell them that you felt embarrassed or overwhelmed, and that, regrettably, onlookers were watching. You might say that you felt exposed and uneasy when they raised their voice and that it’s more challenging to concentrate on the relationship when you feel defensive.

Once you have let your partner know how their yelling impacts you, you can ask that it not happen again. You might say:

• “I can’t concentrate when you’re yelling at me. I care about what you want to say to me. I need you to talk to me in a normal speaking tone, like the one we are both using now”.

If you think your partner is extra sensitive or may be offended by your request, cushion your words with positive feedback. Let them know how much you appreciate them and give some examples of their positive qualities that you like and the things you admire about them. You might say something like:

• “You’re really good at problem-solving, but when something doesn’t go the way you hoped, you get angry really quickly and start yelling”.

Decide What You Want

Finally, now that you have taken steps to establish some essential boundaries, it’s up to you to decide how or if you wish to continue the relationship.

7 Steps to Improve Future Communication

If the person who has been yelling at you is someone you can’t or don’t want to cut ties with, and if you are both willing to invest in the relationship, the following steps can help set you on the road to a healthy relationship.

1. Learn to communicate confidently, sharing your feelings and needs in the relationship. Honesty and authenticity are necessary if you are to enhance intimacy in any relationship.
2. Practice self-compassion and compassion for one another, and in doing so, become more attuned to your intimate needs, as well as the needs of each other.
3. Establish a habit of setting aside some time each week to share something positive about each other and the time you have shared. Focus on the positives and remember these in moments of disagreement.
4. Identify a safe word that either of you can say when feeling afraid or too worked-up. Agree to stop discussing the matter until you both have had time to pause, distance, and reflect on the issue. You might resume in an hour, several hours later, or even the next day. I like to use goofy, out-of-context words that might lighten the tone, such as Flatfish, Rutabaga, or Platypus, but you’ll find ones that suit you.
5. Spend some time practicing to speak in a low, calming voice (seriously, this takes practice) to prepare for times when you might feel like raising it.
6. Recognize that you are both human and that yelling might occur again in the future because of frustrations, fear, anger, or unrealistic expectations. Accept that you are two unique individuals with your own set of values, attitudes, likes and dislikes that your partner may not share. When differences arise, you need to have a discussion that can lead to compromise or an agreement to disagree.
7. Take the HeadsUpGuys Building Relationship Skills course to help you develop and refine the skills you need to make the most of your romantic relationships.

Remember, you are not responsible for someone else’s anger

It’s worth remembering that for some people, yelling is a coping mechanism (albeit, a poor one) to deal with stress or other negative emotions.  All of those difficult feelings that they don’t know what to do with is downloaded onto the shoulders of the one person who cares most about their well-being – you! They likely have not learned how to express their emotions maturely and adaptively, or they might view it as “normal” behaviour based on how they were raised and how they saw adults (primarily, their parents) in their life communicate.

At the end of the day, you are not responsible for someone else’s anger! While it is difficult, especially in tense situations, try to approach their yelling with curiosity instead of blame, so that you and your partner can start working on the real issues that underlie the yelling.

Guest Author

Mark Busby, MSc. RPC, is an advocate for men’s mental health and a registered professional counsellor at the Nanaimo Men’s Centre on Vancouver Island, BC. He tailors his approach to support men facing the challenges that arise from complex trauma and intimate partner abuse. To connect with Mark, email him at [email protected].

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