I have been thinking about how men betray women for the patriarchy.  The last year or two has thrown most of these patterns into the spotlight.  It has been hard to watch the news of the online academy, the Epstein files and the spineless disregard for the rights of women by anyone who is currently holding political office in the U.S.  That said, I have been aware of just how dangerous it is to be a woman for a long time.  I have been fighting for my life and my freedom since I was very young.  I have known how men use women to enable their own power and how they take down the women who chose not to.  Before you start calling me a man-hater, I am also well aware of the abuses women are capable of.  I never shy away from those truths.  I was betrayed by many women, but they were almost always doing the dirty work for men.

We need to talk more openly about the patriarchy and how men have chosen it over women.  Why?  I spend my days watching women attempt to heal the deep trauma they have experienced from the patriarchy while that same system tries to pull them back in.  If we don’t talk about it, it is more difficult to spot the strategies used against us.  We keep falling into the trap which convinces us that men (and the patriarchy) will finally do the right thing.  It would be easier if they would.  There’s no doubt about it, but I have learned a very important fact.  We get our power back when we stop our healing from being dependent on men doing the right thing.  We must do the right thing for ourselves.  There is rage and grief in that understanding.  We wanted reality to be different, but it isn’t.  I believe more women are waking up to this, and it is bringing out the right emotions, but we need to talk about strategy.  We need to wake up to what they are doing.

The patriarchy uses our emotions against us.  There is an inherent patriarchal belief that the best human is an unemotional human.  This is often expressed as “robotic is best” and it is used against anyone who is not willing to accept it.  Women are often described as the “emotional gender”, but the most important aspect is missed.  We feel emotions which are uncomfortable for the patriarchy because it doesn’t want us to call out how those emotions were provoked in the first place.  People who are oppressed feel more emotions.  People who are traumatized by society will feel more emotions.  Those who are in control are better at hiding emotions because they are not in a constant triggered state.  The victims are often the most emotional although the patriarchy describes it the other way.  Rage baiting is one of the most common approaches to using emotions.  If we have been oppressed our entire lives, we are going to be angry.  They know it.  If they bait us, they can claim the victim.  They will block their own anger, but it will show up in other ways like passive aggressiveness.  Our anger will take center stage, so we get the labels.  They will use our fears against us by reminding us of the exact things we have been set up to fear.  This encourages us to drop our attempts to make change happen.  They will also use our guilt against us.  We have often been called selfish for any attempts to prioritize self.  If we attempt to confront, they will make it our fault for any emotional response they have.  They will exaggerate their response to our attempts at feedback and turn us into the person who must make them feel better about themselves.  This is a bait and switch at the expense of our well-being.

The patriarchy will use our inequality against us.  It’s easy to do.  When women’s strengths and work have been devalued and deprioritized for centuries, it isn’t difficult to make women feel like they aren’t as good as men.  If we start to push for equality, we are often faced with a series of attacks on the work we do.  Our invisible and unpaid labor within families is discounted and treated as less important because there is no monetary reward for it.  Our paid work is often underpaid because we are women.  Men will weaponize their higher earnings despite the significant privilege they have in earning income in a patriarchal society.  They are often able to put more uninterrupted effort into their jobs because they are not carrying the unpaid and invisible responsibilities of the family.  Conveniently, the question of equality almost always lands on the financial argument.  “Why should I do the family work equally when I make more money?”  Since women have been brainwashed to believe they are less financial competent, they are often driven by their own belief systems to accept this argument.

The patriarchy uses our strengths against us.  Women handle multiple tasks better.  There have been studies which have shown that the brain works differently for us.  The patriarchy knows this, so they pile it on.  They use these strengths to support their own motives though.  This multitasking amazingness is used to run the family and support men at work.  They push us to the brink of complete collapse while telling us to calm down or relax and stop trying so hard.  When we ask for assistance with something, the weaponized incompetence shows up.  “I’ll just never be as good as you.”  They run us into the ground and leave us with no energy left to fight for a better life.  They use us up and they spit us out.

The patriarchy uses our trust against us.  Women are inherently trusting and compassionate in nature.  I believe men have these traits too, but they are trained out of them early as a part of the toxic teachings in our societies.  Women are generally more likely to believe that someone is on our side when they are not.  Our minds will often dismiss the sneaky approaches used to keep us from our power because it isn’t very nice to believe the worst.  The problem is that the words and actions just don’t align.  What are some examples?  We will ask for information and end up drinking from a firehose about whatever the topic is.  Instead of learning something, we end up with a chaotic explanation which is meant to confuse us so they can maintain control.  When we overcome one obstacle, they will add another obstacle which is often disguised as an accident or well-meaning opportunity for our growth (when we didn’t ask for it).  When we start to get our feet under us, the chaos will start with priority changes and adjustments while promising that things will get back to normal soon.  When we even hint that something doesn’t seem right, the denial starts to kick in.  “No, you have it wrong.  I never said that or meant that or did that.”  While we want so desperately to trust and assign good intentions, we are exhausted by the patterns too.

I can already hear the “you’re too sensitive” comments coming from the mainstream patriarchal subjects as we speak.  If you can relate to what I have written, you might be asking what you can do about it.  That’s a valid question.  First, you must see it.  That’s where this blog comes in.  It’s very “uncomfortable” to see it.  The discomfort shows up in all sorts of emotions, but most significantly, there is rage.  We have been taught to shut this down (unless we are being rage-baited).  Don’t shut it down.  Take it to the page.  RAGE ON THE PAGE.  There are not too many places in society where women’s anger is appreciated and validated, but you can do that yourself.  You don’t need anyone to tell you it’s okay to be angry (but I’ll tell you if you email me).  As your anger grounds from its expression, set boundaries.  Set boundaries like your life depends on it.  If your boundaries are ignored or denied, have consequences and stick to them.  That’s often the hardest part of boundary setting.  The patriarchy has to change and it won’t be happy about it.  There’s been far too much male comfort at the expense of women.  We can’t wait for the comfortable people to do the right thing.  History has taught us this doesn’t happen.  Let’s burn it down together.