This powerful post is written by Anne F. Downey, Esq., a former BigLaw lawyer, now recently retired, who reflects on her husband’s sudden death during heart surgery, and the grief, depression, treatment, and recovery that followed. Content Warning:  This post contains discussions of suicidal ideation. Reader discretion is advised. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. You can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US & Canada), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. These services are free, confidential, and available to anyone.

I met my husband, Brian, in law school in 1982, and we married shortly after graduation and the bar exam in 1985. We were blessed to adopt two children and, years later, thrilled to become grandparents.

For most of our professional lives, I worked at large law firms, where I made partner, and Brian had a solo general law practice in the suburbs. For a few years, we practiced together as Downey & Downey, but when the kids were grown, I returned to large-firm practice.

On October 16, 2024, at age 64, Brian had heart surgery to replace his aortic valve. The surgical team telephoned my daughter and me in the waiting room about 45 minutes into the surgery, saying they were halfway through, and everything was going well. The surgery should be done in another 45 minutes, and many hours rolled by. Eventually, the surgeon appeared and informed us that Brian’s heart had utterly failed, and Brian was on life support. We entered the room where Brian was on a mini heart/lung machine in an unconscious state.

We told him we loved him and what a wonderful husband and father he was, and then the nurse turned off the machine and called the time of death.

In that instant, I became not only a widow but also the person responsible for Brian’s estate, including wrapping up matters at his solo general law practice. As I write this blog article, over a year and a half later, I am still wrapping up matters for his firm, but we’re making real progress in the lengthy, complex process. However, I can assure you that the journey has been very difficult…logistically, financially, emotionally, and otherwise.

Indeed, along the way, there was a period where I became severely depressed, had suicidal ideations, and spent time in a hospital mental ward.

Who me? Yes me. The high school valedictorian, the one who finished college in three years with honors, and the Number One student in my law school class. Depression does not discriminate. It can happen to any of us. Indeed, a 2026 survey found that 33% of attorneys experienced depression symptoms in the past 12 months.

I went down the deep rabbit hole of depression in 2025, when I felt overwhelmed by grief, consumed by negative thoughts about myself and my situation, and daunted by the challenges of handling Brian’s estate and closing Brian’s firm (my beloved spouse was a hardcore packrat, with files and records going back to the 1980s).

I called 911 with suicidal ideations when we were just a few days away from the Big Move….the deadline to vacate Brian’s leased office space and move the broken stuff to the trash, the old furniture to Goodwill, the electronic waste to the recycler, and transport the computer equipment, filing cabinets, and hundreds of boxes of files and records to my home.

At the hospital mental ward, the caring and experienced staff provided the help I needed, including group support sessions, recreation time, medicine, and Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT or “shock treatment). While I don’t love the fact that I ended up in a mental ward, I am grateful for the care I received.

Since returning home, I have learned a lot and been able to make great strides in dealing with my mental health. I am excited to have many tools in my toolbox, including therapy, meds, some out-patient ECT treatments, daily exercise, yoga, hiking, reading good books, church, volunteer work, support from family and friends, attending Grief Share (a 13-week faith-based grief support group), and attending the online meetings for New York attorneys dealing with depression (the other attorneys are wonderful, candidly sharing their experiences and tips, and genuinely caring for one another).

Recently, the psychiatrist who administered Electroconvulsive Therapy to me noted how well I am doing and said, “You are a poster child for ECT!” Awesome sauce. Just what I always hoped to achieve in life. Perhaps I’ll add that to my LinkedIn profile. (I find that humor helps me cope.)

Among the tools in my toolbox, gratitude is a favorite. For example, one day I walked down to the basement to find some tea bags, and I felt anxious as my gaze fell upon hundreds of boxes of Brian’s files stacked nearby. I acknowledged aloud to myself (okay, I talk to myself frequently, LOL) that I was feeling anxious and sad. Then I expressed gratitude for having a house, a basement, and a pantry stocked with food. I thought about all the people in the world who lack those things, and my thankful heart lifted my spirits.

Another favorite tool is praise. I regard praise and worship as my super tool, like a nuclear weapon. If I am feeling down, I put on praise music on the radio or online, or play a worship CD. Not only does the sadness lift, but a real spiritual power flows.

Also, I have gotten into the practice of greeting each day by saying, “It’s going to be a great day because I serve a great God, who loves me.” Then I offer God my mind, lips, heart, hands, feet, and everything else, and I ask for an opportunity to be a blessing to at least one person today. Sometimes amazing “coincidences” occur, where I get to help another person in a truly unexpected way, and this brings me great joy.

Grief, depression, and anxiety are hard. The practice of law is hard. Closing a solo general law practice that began in the 1980s is hard. But there really is hope.

To each of you, let me end by saying that I am praying for you and wish you peace, joy, and healing on your journey. Best wishes, my friends.

Anne